Birth Matters Podcast, Ep 128 - Almost 43 weeks!: A Doula’s Homebirth after Pregnancy Loss

In this episode, we welcome Alaska McFadden—birth doula, childbirth educator, lactation counselor, and occasional home birth midwife assistant—who shares her powerful transition from birthworker to birthing person. Alaska opens up about her path to pregnancy after a previous loss, navigating conception at 37, and the emotional complexities of carrying a baby after supporting so many others in doing the same.

Alaska discusses the challenges of pregnancy, including managing a large fibroid, fears of intrauterine growth restriction, and the emotional weight of going 42 weeks and 5 days—setting a new “record” for this podcast. She shares deep reflections on the mental and emotional toll of late pregnancy, her experiences with Dreambirth visualization, and how her community of birthworkers supported her through it all.

This episode is a raw, reflective look at what it means to trust your body, make nuanced choices around risk, and still feel the full range of vulnerability—even as a seasoned professional. From making a Guinness pie in early labor to the intense moment of not feeling her baby move, Alaska takes us through the physical and emotional terrain of her labor, birth, and transformation into parenthood.

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Episode Topics:

  • Introduction to Alaska McFadden
     – Birth doula, childbirth educator, lactation counselor, and birthworker based in Brooklyn
    – Founder of Chorion Birth

  • Conception and Pregnancy Journey
     – Early pregnancy loss in 2020 and emotional/physical impact
    – Delay in trying again due to life events and COVID
    – Conceiving at 37 after a spontaneous cycle
    – Finding out she was pregnant on the anniversary of a close friend’s passing
    – Naming significance and emotional connection to the pregnancy

  • Navigating Pregnancy After Loss
     – Emotional disconnect early in pregnancy
    – Using Dreambirth (guided visualization) to build connection
    – Music as an emotional anchor ("I'm Not Afraid" by Charley Crockett)

  • Building a Birth Team
     – Choosing midwife Jo and doulas Beth Scheppke & Sarah Grace Sweeney
    – Importance of aligned risk thresholds for breech and postdates
    – Selecting a birth photographer by chance encounter

  • Pregnancy Complications & Risk Considerations
     – Discovery of a large fibroid (over 11 cm)
    – Misdiagnosis of IUGR and navigating conflicting medical opinions
    – Emotional stress from medicalized pregnancy oversight
    – Choosing to continue with home birth despite risks

  • Working While Pregnant as a Birthworker
     – Balancing full-time job opening a hotel with attending births
    – Managing emotional boundaries while supporting clients during her own transition
    – Insights into energetic vulnerability and open chakras in late pregnancy

  • Mental and Emotional Health in Pregnancy
     – Grieving loss of pre-parent identity and physical ability
    – Normalizing discomfort and disliking pregnancy despite wanting it
    – Postpartum as a surprisingly joyful contrast to pregnancy

  • Preparing for Birth
     – Hitting 42+5 and coping with fears of aging out of home birth
    – Attempting natural labor induction methods (acupuncture, colostrum harvesting, etc.)
    – Emotional toll of going past due date and daily mental check-ins

  • Labor and Birth Story Highlights
     – False labor scare and emotional breakdown around reduced fetal movement
    – Partner involvement and emotional support dynamics
    – Intense back labor likely due to fibroid position
    – Entering labor unexpectedly after a sake bar lunch
    – Cooking Guinness pie while contracting—true doula energy!
    – Effective coping techniques: sound, water, and hip movement
    – Immediate and dramatic relief from entering birth tub
    – Powerful moment of self-checking dilation and feeling baby’s head
    – Honest reflections on the intensity of pushing and transition

  • Reflections on the Birth Experience
     – Learning that trusting your gut doesn’t always feel good
    – Redefining strength, support, and vulnerability in birth
    – Integrating years of doula wisdom into her own personal transformation

Interview Transcript

Lisa (0s):

You are listening to the Birth Matters podcast, episode one twenty eight.

Alaska (4s)

I think I remember multiple times in my labor. Yeah. Thinking that I was yelling, I'm being torn asunder. And that retrospectively everyone's like, I think you said that maybe once, but I thought I was just saying it a bunch, which is also such a like archaic like renaissance era phrase of I'm being torn asunder.

Lisa (30s):

Hey there and welcome to the Birth Matters Show. I'm your host Lisa Graves Taylor, founder of Birth Matters NYC, and director of East River Doula Collective. I'm a childbirth educator, birth doula and lactation counselor, and I've been passionately supporting growing families since 2009. This show is here to lessen your overwhelm on the journey into parenthood by equipping and encouraging you with current best evidence, info, and soulful interviews with parents and birth pros. Please keep in mind the information on this show is not intended as medical advice or to diagnose or treat any medical conditions. Are you following us on Instagram yet

Lisa (1m 11s):

We have lots of educational content there. So connect with us over at Birth Matters NYC. In this episode we hear from Alaska McFadden, a New York City birth worker who shares her powerful transition from holding space for and supporting birthing people to being the birthing person. Alaska opens up about her path to pregnancy after a previous loss, navigating conception at 37 and the emotional complexities of carrying a baby after supporting so many others in doing the same. Alaska discusses the challenges of pregnancy, including managing a large fibroid, fears of intrauterine growth restriction and the emotional weight of being pregnant all the way until 42 weeks and five days.

Lisa (1m 57s):

She talks about being very intentional in hiring a home birth midwife who would be supportive of a couple of her highest priorities, including going into labor as late as she ended up going without pressure to intervene. She shares deep reflections on the mental and emotional toll of late pregnancy, her experiences with dream birth visualization and how her community of birth workers supported her through it all. This episode is a raw reflective look at what it means to trust your body, make nuanced choices around risk, and still feel the full range of vulnerability. Even as a seasoned professional From making a Guinness Pie, an early labor to the anxiety producing moments of not feeling her baby move, Alaska takes us through the physical and emotional terrain of her labor, birth and transformation into parenthood.

Lisa (2m 50s):

And now a quick word from our sponsor. East River Doula collective's next meet the doulas will be on Wednesday, June 4th at 6:30 PM on Zoom. And our next virtual savvy Birth one oh one workshop will be on Monday, June 9th at 7:00 PM You can find the link to sign up on the top banner over at Birth Matters nyc.com. So if you're expecting a baby, we'd love to see you at either or both of those events. Our all-in-one childbirth class series are filling up really quickly for the summer, so if you're due in the fall, be sure to grab your spot soon. And also just a reminder that If you don't live in New York City or you just don't wanna have to travel for childbirth class, we would love to have you join us for our live group interactive class series virtually on Zoom.

Lisa (3m 42s):

A lot of folks have found this to be a very convenient option while still having the benefit of being able to chime in and ask questions in real time. This format is also priced lower than the in-person option, so it's a great option for folks with a more limited budget. You can check out this option as well as several other childbirth class options like private classes and our online on-demand course all over at Birth Matters nyc.com. Okay, let's jump in and hear from Alaska.

Alaska (4m 15s):

Hi, my name is Alaska McFadden from Chorion Birth I am a birth doula and a childbirth educator and a lactation counselor, sometimes a home birth midwife assistant and just generally very in the birth world. So it was exciting for me when I finally got to experience it myself and I'm also very excited to be here to talk about it with you.

Lisa (4m 33s):

Yeah, and maybe you said this and I missed it. You live in Brooklyn, is that right?

Alaska (4m 37s):

Yeah, I'm in East Flatbush and I've been in Brooklyn for like over 20 years now, so just going further into it as we go. But yeah, we've been in this place for 10 years now.

Lisa (4m 47s):

And you gave birth a little over a year ago you said?

Alaska (4m 50s):

Yeah, so my daughter's birthday is May 29th, 2023. Nice. And her due date was May 9th. So that is a fun part of this story

Lisa (4m 57s):

That you definitely have broken the record for on this podcast anyway in terms of how late your baby was born. Yes. Awesome. I can't wait to hear all the details. And Alaska and I were on a training havening for birth workers training recently and that's how we got to talking about maybe having her on to share her birth story and about the work she does as well. Yay. Why don't you go ahead and get us started with just sharing anything you would like to share about your conception and or pregnancy journey and the ways you prepared for becoming a parent yourself after supporting so many others in doing the same. Yeah,

Alaska (5m 31s):

Absolutely. So I feel like it's worth mentioning that my husband and I did have an early loss in 2020 and that time we were like in this, we know we want kids, but is this the time sort of space? And then when we got pregnant, my initial reaction was like, And he was like, great. And so we were just going to that initial processing place and then we, the loss was at like six or seven weeks. It was super early and I remember being really shocked at how much it impacted me, especially as a birth worker and someone who knows the statistics around pregnancy loss and early loss and all that. And I just remember being pretty flabbergasted by how I felt impacted not just emotionally and psychologically but like actually physically as well.

Alaska (6m 12s):

And then we were not on the same page about getting pregnant again after that and had a bunch of really crazy life stuff happen. And then as we all know, the COVID times descended upon us and so it just disappeared from our lives in a way. Like this conversation about having kids was still there but like it wasn't forefront for a while. And then after a very long journey together as a couple and with life stuff in the summer of 2022 I guess it would be, we hit a place where it was, okay, I'm 37, we've been together for like 12 years now. What are we like? Are we having a baby or not? And I had to push the agenda forward and so essentially we were like, okay, next month we're going to start trying.

Alaska (6m 56s):

And then that month we ended up going to my friend's 40th birthday on a yacht or like on a boat. They sailed it down the Hudson. And I like to joke that we made a dirty martini baby because when we found out we were pregnant I was like, when did we even have sex this month? Like when could we possibly have gotten pregnant? So I looked based on the dates they gave us, I looked through the photos in my phone and I was like, oh makes so much sense. That's when we were on the boat. This is all coming together now. But the other thing that was crazy about it was that like it wasn't at all when I was supposed to have ovulated and I can't remember now if it was that I ovulated early, which I think is what it was because when I did end up finding that I was pregnant, we found out that I was pregnant like a solid week before my due date.

Alaska (7m 37s):

We were like coming home from the beach and it was actually like a beautiful thing where my friend had passed away and we used to always go to the beach with her and It was like the anniversary of her passing and we always went to fort children to celebrate her life, had had some rose or whatever. And we came home and I was just feeling a little bit weird because I was like, I feel the way I did when I was pregnant that first time. But I couldn't tell if I was in my head about it. And I was just like, okay, I feel a little weird that I had some rose, we're not even trying to get pregnant, but I'm just feeling like my boobs are a little different. I'm craving broccoli again. And I was like, I'll take this pregnancy test so I can have you know, peace of mind about it. And It was like nine o'clock at night, which also, you know, you're supposed to do like the first pee of the morning or whatever took a test and It was like instantly two dark lines. And I was like, I just remember texting like my birth worker friends and being like, am I crazy or is this like a pregnancy test that's positive?

Alaska (8m 23s):

And I like came downstairs, showed it to my husband and we were just like so pregnant. It just was really unexpected that it would be that. And so then I was like spiraling that I was having twins because when I talked to my midwife friend they were like, oh, you either ovulated earlier or it's possible that you're like having twins and that's why the levels are so high already. Interesting. No twins. I was like one at a time, one a time. It was like I don't have the bandwidth for that. And yeah, so then when we looked through the dates and stuff, it looks like what ended up happening was I just ended up ovulating early that cycle and that's how we got pregnant. But I felt really fortunate that we didn't have to try for a long time because of my age and because of our previous experience with loss, I just felt so grateful that it just was like happening.

Alaska (9m 5s):

But then I actually found myself surprisingly unable to really connect with the pregnancy till much further than I thought I would. And I think it was because of that early loss, I felt like there was just a lot more breath holding than I expected from myself where I was like just keep me in at arm's length a little bit where I was like okay, we're pregnant but we have to do the NIPT test and then we're gonna, it just felt a little less the first time I was like, oh I'm pregnant, that means we're having a baby. And the second time I was like, we are as of right now pregnant. And then what ended up really helping me was dream birth, which I don't know if you've heard of Dream Birth? I have. It's like a connecting, yeah, you connect with meditation to the pregnancy.

Alaska (9m 47s):

And so one of my good friends who's also A Doula, Vicky was really into it and helped her in her pregnancy and she turned me onto it. And so I went and had a session with Claudia and It was like the first time where I really felt like I was able to connect with the baby and feel, I don't know if it's giving myself permission to feel connected to it or for whatever reason it just really worked for me. And that was really helpful for me in the early trimester when I was wanting to really embrace every moment of it but also feeling like just having a hard time with that. And then there was also this song by Charlie Crockett, I'm Not Afraid. Do you know that song?

Lisa (10m 19s):

I think so. I'm terrible about knowing titles of songs though.

Alaska (10m 22s):

It's like the chorus is basically like, darling I'm not afraid to love you. And I just remember hearing when I was pregnant, It was like one of those first like little things that you, you know when you're pregnant you hear something and like clinging to it and I would listen to that song every day and It was like my like meditative exercise of allowing myself to feel like connected to this, to this baby and I still wanna hear that song. I get super emotional and that. Yeah, so that was like our journey to finding out that we were pregnant. We ended up, her middle name is Lou after my friend who passed away and we always had said our first baby was gonna have a different name. We had decided it for a decade but then when we found out that we got pregnant on the day of her passing and then also found out that it was a girl, I was like, I think this one is Lou. And we didn't know what her first name was going to be officially for the whole pregnancy so we always called her Lou while I was pregnant.

Alaska (11m 8s):

So it really became like a thing where it was, oh this one's Lou even though now that's just her middle name. Yeah,

Lisa (11m 14s):

I'm definitely gonna look up this song. I'm sure I probably have heard it but, then maybe I'll link to it in the resources for this show notes. Yeah. And I know Claudia through the perinatal connection meetings, the monthly meetings. Oh okay. I've been on a bunch of meetings with her and she always mentions that dream birth work that she does, but that's the extent of my knowledge of it. So it's really cool to hear that you liked it and that it was meaningful for you as well as for Vicki who I also know

Alaska (11m 42s):

It came up again later and I'll talk about that right. With some other stuff that came up. But It was like, It was like a through line in my pregnancy where I would like do it and then be like I don't really need this anymore. And then something would come up and be like, I need this again was like a, I would call it like maybe a touchstone. It wasn't always there and always present but with the times where I was having like pregnancy panic, It was like the thing that centered me very grateful for it.

Lisa (12m 2s):

Mm, nice. So then how did you go about making your choices in your birth team? Anything you wanna share about that? Oh

Alaska (12m 11s):

My gosh. When people ask me how I got into being A Doula, I'm like the real answer is from a political advocacy lens of everything is crazy. This is one area that I can contribute to subconsciously I think I am like the absolute most type A that you can be. And then I was secretly doing field research for four years before getting pregnant because I was always trying to figure out who would be my team. And unfortunately the midwife that I literally wanted ended up getting very randomly pregnant right before I found out that I was pregnant. There was like this big rush of babies like all of a sudden every birth worker I knew was pregnant around the same time as me. Which is cool 'cause now we all have kids that are the same age. But at the time It was like I feel like everyone waited and held steady for the people having COVID era babies.

Alaska (12m 53s):

And then as soon as it ended everyone was like, alright, we're doing ours now. And then the person I had wanted for Doula was actually Layla Morgan was in Gambia doing her midwifery school there for around my due date. Ironically she ended up coming back weeks before I had my baby. But it just wasn't looking like a good idea to have her. And she also very wisely was like, I'm scared to be your Doula because if shit hits the fan with your birth, I'm afraid that it's gonna be weird between us. And I was like, that's actually really real and I respect that. And I do ultimately think that the Doula team that we had was like perfect for us. So the team we had was Beth Shep and Sarah Grace Sweeney who's also now in midwifery school. Yes,

Lisa (13m 30s):

They're so great.

Alaska (13m 31s):

And so they were a team and I originally, I didn't know Sarah Grace at all actually, like even through the community, but I knew Beth because I had given her my old table, like my old dining room table. And she was friends with my really good friend Ally. And so when I was asking people who I should talk to, they were like talk to them. And I love the idea of a partnership team because I am very, I get very attached and I was worried about any kind of a backup Doula scenario. I really wanted to know exactly who was gonna be there. I even felt nervous about choosing a single midwife instead of a midwifery team for that same reason. I've done a ton of hallucinogens in my life. I know that birth is gonna be like the psychedelic trip of my life and I don't do well with random people when I'm feeling vulnerable. So that was really in my head. So I liked the idea of a partnership team.

Alaska (14m 12s):

I loved both of their energy and for me my primary concern with A Doula was like vibe check first of all, do we get along? But also I really wanted someone that I felt like if we went to a hospital, if that became necessary, that they would really advocate for me. I wanted someone that had a little bit of a tough underbelly or whatever so that I could feel really confident that if we ended up in a situation where like medical intervention was necessary, this would be a person that could stand up for me in a non-confrontational way because like my husband would stand up for me but he also would probably just be like try to bulldoze the medical system. He just doesn't understand it. Like I remember when we were talking about transferring, I was like, oh yeah, like in our hospital go back you should put a button up shirt.

Alaska (14m 52s):

And he was like, I don't really own any button up. And I was like, yeah, but he's like why? And I was like, 'cause for skin to skin And he is, I'll just take my shirt off. And I was like, well, but they're weird about that sometimes with your temperature. And he was like, but it's my, it's me, it's my baby. Like why? And I'm like, so this is again like reasons why we're having this baby at home is that we both push back against authority. So I just felt like it'd be good to have someone on the team where, like if it was necessary to transfer out, they knew how to navigate that world with a little bit of a strong backbone and ended up being Sarah Grace at my birth and I was so grateful for it. We're still friends, I love her. I think she was absolutely like the right personality for me. I'm someone who does not deal well with tough love like I want when I like I think because I come across as a very tough person, people think that I'm like, you know, have a thick skin and it's like the opposite.

Alaska (15m 35s):

I'm like the thinnest skinned person. I'm such a sensitive type and she was really good in my labor of giving me just the exact right amount of pushing and just like holding space. So very grateful for her. And then my midwife, Joe, I almost birth assisted for her back in my BA days and we kept trying to get coffee and it didn't happen over and over again like her and Layla and I kept trying to get coffee and it didn't happen so I already loved her vibe. And then we interviewed a few midwives and some of the other people that I was thinking about maybe choosing were unavailable for various reasons. And then my biggest concern which did end up coming up, it was a bit like cross that bridge when we get to it.

Alaska (16m 15s):

Oh here's the bridge due dates was a big one for me. So my risk threshold was that in the two questions I asked were like what do you do about breach and what do you do about due dates? Because I was not comfortable transferring out for either of those. That was just like a hard thing for me and not a lot of midwives were on the same page with me in terms of risk threshold. And so when we talked with Joe, she very much was like, it's a conversation we would have when it comes to it. It's not a hard out, it's definitely beyond my comfort zone, whatever. And what I explained to her was that my mom had six babies and she had all of her due dates adjusted by two weeks because of her cycle. And all of us were late. So my brother had my younger, my second to youngest brother Judah was with a two week late adjusted window two weeks late.

Alaska (17m 0s):

Wow. She had like four, four weeks. Yeah. Oh and this is when the nineties where they're like Sure go ahead be pregnant for a million years. Yeah. You know what I mean? And so I knew that was like just ran in my family. I'm the first other person in my family like of all my siblings to have a baby. And so there was no other data points. And so in all of my research and picking my team, these were like the questions that I saw as these are the ones that could lead to a risk out that I'm not comfortable with. And so when we interviewed with Joe, she was just like okay, that's like a conversation we would have. Like we would have to do some NST non-stress tests for you and the baby but it's not like a hard out. And so we ended up just landing on that team and again saying cross that bridge when we get to it.

Alaska (17m 42s):

Is there anyone else on my team? I'm trying to think if there's anything that's the team, right? Is the midwives Doula, yeah. Yeah. And then for postpartum doulas I chose my friend Ally Blanchard 'cause we teach childbirth ed together. And so she was just, you know, an automatic like of course it'll be you. And then I actually had the really beautiful fortune of having had two previous clients of mine in training for postpartum when I had my baby, two of my like favorite clients that turned into doulas and they both needed training hours and so they both offered to come and do postpartum for me just to get those hours. And so I had this really wonderful full, full circle of like people who I had been at their births then getting to see me in my transition to parenthood and it was just like so perfect and amazing and also like very grateful for free support.

Alaska (18m 23s):

Like totally. It was so awesome.

Lisa (18m 26s):

Yeah, I love it just makes my heart sing whenever I have clients who move into birth work. It's super cool. Yeah, we actually now have had two or three members in our Doula collective who came to birth class back when they were pregnant. So fun. And then you also had a photographer? Videographer for the birth.

Alaska (18m 44s):

Yes. So now we're getting into the crossing that bridge when we get to a portion of the story, which is that I did in fact go past 42 weeks. I like to joke that I was the most pregnant person in New York City when I actually gave birth. I was 42 weeks and five days pregnant every day after 42 weeks I would wake up and cry and take a picture of myself holding up however many fingers I was past 42 to send to my family. So I realized I had to send the text like early in the morning or else everyone would just assume I was in labor. So I'd be like, here I am the most pregnant person in New York City. And of course like when you're, when I was 20 weeks pregnant I looked wildly pregnant and then when I was actually past my due date nobody would mess with me. I was waiting, I had the most come at me bro energy about being pregnant.

Alaska (19m 26s):

I was like, someone say I'm about ready to pop someone say something to me and everyone's just eyes down opening doors for me. I dare you. It was like come for me. Yeah. I was like I have something to say now I'm the most pregnant person you will ever see in your life. And so it was 40 and then also you're like what can I even do this pregnant? I'm I, when people ask how I was doing, I would send them the gif of the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka Shop factory being rolled out. I was like, this is me getting outta bed right now. I'm doing nothing. And so we went to the coffee shop 'cause It was like the only thing to do and as we're leaving the coffee shop, this woman runs out and she's like, Hey I'm so sorry to bother you, I'm a maternity photographer and I was wondering If you wanna take maternity photos. And I was like, I have done two rounds of maternity photos at this point. So no, that ship has sailed. I am very pregnant.

Alaska (20m 7s):

But we started chatting and I really liked her vibe and she was saying how she wanted to get into filming births and I was like Okay cool. And I took her card 'cause I was like, you never know, people are crazy whatever. And I looked at her Instagram as we were driving away because I was like, oh I'll refer you to people for maternity. And then I looked at Instagram and it was full of these beautiful photos. Like a lot of just portraiture. Not necessarily all like maternity and birth but just like really beautiful portraiture and her photos looked a lot like Catherine Mariville who I had previously wanted to be my birth photographer but she wasn't on call at the time. And so It was like oh my god, this person has this really photographic view of it. Like it, it felt more like portraiture and less like documentary if that makes sense. And I was like I want this person at my birth. So I texted her and was like, do you wanna wanna do my birth in exchange for the photos and you can use them to market being at births and also you're not gonna have to be on call for me really because I'm having this baby in the next five days.

Alaska (20m 55s):

That's hell or high water. And she was like great. She was like, do you wanna hop on a call? And so I literally, we had driven from the coffee shop to brunch and got out. I was like hold on, I gotta call that lady back and my husband what is happening right now? So like call her, we have a short and sweet conversation where I was like, if I say that you need to leave the room, I need you to leave the room. I don't want any flash photography. We'll call you when I'm in labor. I'll try to not keep you there too long. I might decide I don't want you there at all. And like we just ran through like boom boom, boom, boom. She was like great, awesome. And I ended up going into labor that night. So when I think back on how far past my due day went, I feel so grateful that it worked out. That's like the thing where I'm like, but if we would've gone earlier we wouldn't have had this amazing photographer. So yeah.

Lisa (21m 36s):

Well and before you jump into your birth story, is there anything else about pregnancy? I, and one of the points of curiosity I have is were you attending births throughout your whole pregnancy or at what point did you stop?

Alaska (21m 48s):

Yeah, there were a few things that happened in my pregnancy. So first things first, I didn't know that I have a gigantic fibroid until our first scan. I have an 8.8 which is now actually 11.3 centimeter fibroid that when we went in they were like, do you know you have this grapefruit size fibrin? And we were like, no I didn't know that because I don't have any symptoms 'cause it's actually like outside of my uterus mostly. Hmm. So that was a factor because it makes you high risk. So the risk is that it could increase your chance of a postpartum hemorrhage. It could also potentially, depending on how much of it is in the uterine wall actually impact your ability to contract. And then the third thing that it can impact is intrauterine growth restrictions. So depending on how the fibroid and the baby work together, there might not be space for them.

Alaska(22m 32s):

And so what ended up happening with that was Joe wanted us to go for a scan at an MFM to just get a picture of it. So I just wanna know how big is it really? Like where is it? 'cause you didn't have any imaging of it before you were pregnant and the uterus was already moving. And so I reluctantly went to this MFM and had like absolutely horrible experience. They diagnosed us with IUGR on the spot. He was like, you definitely have IUGR. And I just start weeping. My husband is annoyed, he's like why is this such a big deal? And I was like, this is a big deal right? And they based it on the belly measurement And he was like regardless of everything else the belly measurement is under 10, it's six or whatever. So that means you just definitely have IUGR. So that was like a point where I was really freaking out.

Alaska (23m 12s):

This is a point again where I returned to dream birth and I ended up calling Claudia and being like, I need, I need a, a thing for this. And so at the time not only was I doing full-time Doula work, but I also had taken a job opening a hotel. What? I'm sorry. But I opened four new bars and restaurants in a brand new hotel, what between 20 weeks and full term and also did five births in that time. I did four births in February. So I started the job in January. I did four births in February and then one in March. So It was a very crazy time. And I think I went through some weird guilt feelings of am I working too much? And that's why the baby is mentally small even though she was not small. It was definitely a miscalculation. But like it's the same as If you have the loss. Like it's so to someone else, don't blame yourself.

Alaska (23m 53s):

It's nothing you did. But then in your mind you're like is it 'cause I had coffee like right. You know it's, it's inevitable. That's just like, it's like the bargaining of grief and fear and what that was definitely like a really stressful time. And and then the, so the IUGR thing and the fiber thing were both factors and but that

Lisa (24m 8s):

Didn't risk you out of home birth.

Alaska (24m 9s):

It's, and then Joe was great about it. She was like, we're not even going back. We're not even going back to this MFM. I don't think that you need to, I don't think this is a real diagnosis. I don't think we need to stress about this. She's, you've never been to this specific facility before. We're gonna go back to where you get your usual scans and not tell them about this. And sure enough, and she was also so sweet because we were paying her like a pretty big portion of it out of cash, like cash out of pocket because our insurance was just not covering it. And she was like, don't even talk to me about money, don't worry about this. 'cause this was also right around about halfway in our pregnancy to where it would've been maybe not the best idea for us to continue planning for a home birth if we truly had IUGR. You know what I mean? It was like if we're paying so much money out of pocket for this and the realistic, we're realistically gonna have probably a NICU experience honestly.

Alaska (24m 51s):

And so I was really in my head about that and she was like, let's just give it a couple weeks. Let's go back for a regular scan. She was so supportive and we went back and everything was fine. So that was really great. But so in terms of attending births, I happened to have this weird thing happen where before I found out I was pregnant, all of my clients did that thing where they like clump up and go early and you're just like, what is happening? Just like early birth, like no one went back. Intuit, everyone went early. Yeah. And then, and so then I had the first kind of like the first big portion of my first trimester when I was so tired no births. So that was amazing. Nice. It was like thankful. And then I had all of these repeat clients and so previous to being pregnant my friends and I used to joke that, you know, I just had bad birth karma or whatever because I would have really long births like not all the time but it would be like very long complicated births.

Alaska (25m 34s):

And then when I was pregnant It was like there wasn't a single one pass like 12 hours. I think they were all like six to 12 hours. Like very easy. Like uncomplicated in and out, just what

Lisa (25m 44s):

You needed.

Alaska (25m 45s):

Yeah. And then my final birth when she had reached out to me, I, I did know that I was pregnant but she was a repeat client who had had a precipitous labor the first time and I was like second baby precipitous the first time. This is the absolute perfect birth to end on. And she was due end of March and had gone early the first time. And so I was like great. And sure enough it was the most wonderful birth to end on because it was just like a very cut and dry precipitous second time birth that was uncomplicated and really just beautiful and easy. And so I felt very taken care of by the universe with that experience of that all of my births didn't tax me too much, didn't take too much for me. And also I was worried about trauma, right. And I had been reaching a little bit of the classic Doula burnout right before I got pregnant and had made a really conscious decision that I was only gonna take births with providers that I liked to work with.

Alaska (26m 30s):

And I happened to have, I think almost all hospital midwifery or home births while I was pregnant with one or two kind of good OBs in the mix. And so it also was just great because everyone I was working with other births were like people I like to be around and who were like not pushing interventions. It was just great. Like it was a good spell. The birds were all easy. The hotel portion of being pregnant was crazy. And also because I was a beverage manager, it was very funny to be training people on alcohol and drinks and cocktails and like when you're pregnant, having liquor reps come in to schmooze me and they see me because of the fibroid. I measured a full month ahead always. Oh like my fundus was weeks ahead so I was popped pregnant like when I showed up there they were like oh we hired a super pregnant person.

Alaska (27m 10s):

I'm like, well not as pregnant as I look. But yes you did hire a pregnant person. So it was just very funny to be like waddling around bossing people around in a bar in this. And it was also my first time when I was super corporate job. So I had to dress corporate for the first time in my life while also super pregnant. Oh wow. Yeah. Interesting. But I, so I took this, the bus there 'cause it was in Williamsburg and every day I would do this dream birth meditation that Claudia had given me. And what ended up being great about it was that it really forced me to connect with the pregnancy. It was like my time of the day, my hour there and back where I would close my eyes and I would go to my garden meditation and I would see her and I would connect with her and listen to her. And I started to actually like it. I think it moved from like a mad dash like gamble with fate that like I'll do anything like maybe visualization.

Alaska (27m 53s):

It turned from that into oh this is actually like regardless of the outcome, like a really awesome way for me to just connect and have some space in my life that's just focused on just this baby when everything else in my life is focused on like work right now. So that was also really cool. And I also felt really grateful for Joe because being a pregnant birth worker is a really weird experience because your job is to hold place for other people's experience of giving birth and being pregnant and transfer and their transformation into parenthood. And also you are going through that and trying to keep your experience out of their experience and you want to be centered. And one of the things that I really loved about her is that I felt so centered by her every time I went to her office. Like my meetings were always like a little bit longer than they needed to be.

Alaska (28m 35s):

She was very open to just almost being like a therapist to me about some things. She really held space for me and she also, I think that energetically you're very vulnerable when you're pregnant, which makes birth work harder. And she said something that I tell all my clients now, which was like that in order to give birth all of your chakras have to open. And there's not really another time in our lives where all of our chakras open at once and definitely not unwillingly. You might be working on your throat chakra or doing some hip opening stuff in yoga or whatever. But usually we're very intentionally working with one or two chakras at a time and we are trying to open them in pregnancy. They all have to open in order for you to give birth. And the closer you get to birth the more energetically vulnerable you are. And she's, that's not a natural resting state.

Alaska (29m 16s):

Like we are not made to walk this earth, especially New York City wildly open, energetically and vulnerable. And so when you have a moment where you're like crying on the street or where you're feeling overwhelmed, just tell yourself my shockers are opening and remind yourself that they will close back up after you have the baby, they will, you will go back to being like a person with boundaries and containers. I think of it as you take all the calluses off of your hands and you're used to having them for the work that you do. Those calluses are actually a good thing. They're like protecting you. They've been built up to protect you in the same way walking around New York City with all of your energy open or trying to do birth work pregnant with all your energy open can be very challenging. And so it felt really great to just have her be able to hold the container for me, you know?

Alaska (29m 57s):

And also again to have my doulas as well to be like okay this is the space where I'm the pregnant person and also all of my friends who are birth workers held just a tremendous amount of space for me. I think I experienced a lot of grief in pregnancy. I think that my like maiden, some other transition happened then I really struggled with like my body changing and feeling social changes. I used to do Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu five days a week and roller skate all the time. And suddenly It was like, oh like everything that I love to do with my body is no longer available to me. It almost felt like a depressive episode. It was like what can I do? You know what I mean? Like I'm sleeping all day, I don't like food anymore because it gives me acid reflux. Like I'm so wildly uncomfortable. And I think also like it was hard for me to hate pregnancy.

Alaska (30m 40s):

Like I think I felt guilty about it because I had wanted to be pregnant and so many people struggled to become pregnant And because of the previous loss I was like I've waited my whole life to be like this, like witchy of the earth. I think I was interested in pregnancy as an experience almost as much as I was interested in having a baby and parenting. It was like this is like visceral human life, liminal like artistic moment. I wanna experience it. And then from the second I was pregnant I was like I am miserable. I hate this. You know what I mean? I could not lean into it. And so I also was very grateful for my community and being able to hold space for me while I went through it. And I think I was really afraid I was gonna hate motherhood because I hated pregnancy so much. So that was also a thing that was going on with me that everyone was holding a lot of space for was I was like, what have I done?

Alaska (31m 23s):

I hate this part so much more than I could possibly have imagined. Am I gonna have a baby and then be just miserable? Did I make a mistake here? And one thing I love to tell expecting parents is that that does not have to be true. I loved my postpartum, it was the best part of my pregnancy from the second she was out until now. I was like great. Even with any of the harder stuff, the no sleep or whatever It was like I felt like so embodied and able to trust my instincts and settled in a way that I didn't in pregnancy. So if you're someone who's wanted to be pregnant, you can still hate it. You're allowed to hate it. You don't have to love the actual experience of pregnancy. You can love moments of it. You can enjoy feeling them kick or whatever.

Alaska (32m 4s):

It's okay to want it and hate it at the same time is my

Lisa (32m 7s):

Experience. No, yeah, that was my experience too. After two I was like nope, I don't like pre being pregnant at all. So I have no desire to have any more babies. I like the babies, I don't love the pregnancy.

Alaska (32m 17s):

Yeah, the payoff is great. Yeah. So worth it. It's absolutely in the moment you're like, you always have a moment where you're like, why did I say I would do this? Is this actually crazy? I wanted just like a day off. That's what was like my constant fantasy. It was like I just wanna take a weekend to be not pregnant and then I can come right back to it. Right? But I just need a little respite, You know? 

Lisa (32m 33s):

Yes. Yeah. 

Alaska (32m 35s):

And then I Just wanna lay on my stomach.

Lisa (32m 36s):

There are so many people who loved being pregnant. It's so interesting how wildly different it is from person to person. But I'm there with you in that case.

Alaska (32m 44s):

And I really thought I was gonna love it. Like I was just like, oh this is gonna be my jam. And I just was like, not like from day one it was just like not, I was a cranky pregnant person, I want to have a second. And I always was like, I think I'll enjoy a second pregnancy more than my husband. Okay, we're in the middle of the first one and you're really not loving it. So I don't know why you would think that, but my rationale is that I think the parts that were really hard for me other than just the physical discomfort, which like obviously was a lot 'cause I had that fibroid and so it pushed her around, it pushed her into my diaphragm. It gave me crazy acid reflux where I was like sleeping, sitting up on the couch for three months straight and not being able to even take a sip of water with my food. But I was like, I feel like the big hard part for me was like all of this grief, I felt like I was just moving through this change.

Alaska (33m 28s):

And that's already happened now. So if I had a second kid, yes I would be uncomfortable physically pregnant pregnancy, but I wouldn't also be just shaken to my core about my identity stuff. At least that's my theory. Yeah.

Lisa (33m 40s):

TBD. Yeah. Equally. We'll see. Yeah, maybe we'll have you back on in the future. Yeah, right. Alright, well unless there's anything else about your pregnancy you wanted to share, I'll just invite you to start with your birth story and start wherever you want to. Maybe it's right after you hired the photographer, I don't know, videographer.

Alaska (33m 59s):

Yeah. So I feel the big thing was like the fibroid didn't risk us out, which was amazing. Joe felt confident managing postpartum hemorrhage at home. We just agreed, let's be super proactive and do like, I was like let's just do intramuscular pitocin. Like as soon as a baby comes out, like my big thing is like living in East Flatbush, I was like, I do not wanna transfer to any of the hospitals that are nearby. I do not want to emergent transfer, but I for sure don't wanna be like at Kings County under an emergency situation. So we both, I was like that my risk threshold for that is actually quite low compared to my risk threshold for other things. So we agreed on that ahead of time and just agreed that we were cool with the placement of the fibroid. It seemed like things were gonna be fine with it. And so then we just settled into the me needing to get this baby out thing. And ordinarily as A Doula and as someone who has a lot of faith in the universe and things being how they're supposed to be, I would try to be chill.

Alaska (34m 46s):

I don't think I intrinsically have a chill personality. I'm very faction oriented. But with the due dates thing, I was like, I know for my own peace of mind I wanna do everything possible to try to get this baby out so that I don't go super far posting. So now when my clients are like, is this or this gonna make the baby come out? And I'm like, nothing will make your baby come out unless it is ready. And I am living testimony to that because I started harvesting colostrum at 37 weeks. I did evening primrose, I did what are all the things I did dates, red

Lisa (35m 15s):

Ras leaf tea,

Alaska (35m 16s):

Red raspberries, line up my dates and my red raspberry leaf tea with my molasses every morning and just like, you know, chomp, chomp, chomp. My little date I was walking at least 2.2 point something miles like loop with my dogs every morning. I did acupuncture once or twice a week. I did chiropractic twice a week. I did, I think I had, you know, like eggplant parm or spicy. Oh yeah. Like all the, everything that you could possibly be doing. And I started out like full term, like the second I was full term, I was like we're doing all the things to try and get this baby out because I just really didn't wanna risk out over due dates. It was just like one of those things that was first and foremost on my mind. And then of course like none of that did anything. Like it just was like I was just pregnant. Like

Lisa (35m 55s):

But at least you had a little sense of agency in terms of doing something to try. 'cause I think there's huge value in that, even if it doesn't like work.

Alaska (36m 3s):

Yes. For me It was like I wanna know that if it comes down to it and I hit my max, which for me I think subconsciously was 43 weeks. I was like, I don't think I can go to 44. I just, I just, I don't know. So I was just doing all the things and really just feeling okay about it. I cooked a ton of food. I had like my food library, I had my milk library, like all my like labeled frozen stuff. I had 170 milliliters of colostrum hand express by the time I actually gave birth because I would just like sit and watch Indian Matchmaker and just like hand express for 30 minutes and freeze it and it and that also gave me a lot of satisfaction to see my body getting ready for labor. Yeah, it felt really good to be like, oh I'm storing up milk and I now have, you know, a lot of experience with hand expression.

Alaska (36m 45s):

I feel very confident doing it after 30 some days of doing it. But still, I would say going up to 42 weeks was the easy part of being post-date. Though I didn't know it at the time, I was still able to stay pretty relaxed and confident about the fact that I would just go into labor every day after 42 weeks was a special type of hell for me. I just felt so worried about risking it. We found out late in the game that our insurance wouldn't cover if we switched, if we risked out and went to the hospital, Joe could not be our provider like we previously had thought, 'cause she has privileges at Mount Sinai West, but our insurance doesn't cover that specific location. So then I was looking at like where would we transfer out to? Then I'm also looking at the pieces and I'm like, I'm 38, I have an 11.3 centimeter fibroid on the books.

Alaska (37m 30s):

I have an IUGR diagnosis and I'm over 42 weeks. So that was also just so much weighing on me in terms of risking out. It was like we're not just risking out, we're like risking out in a way. We're like, I'm probably gonna be up against some pretty harsh treatment depending on where we go. So that was really stressful and, and Vicki actually led me through like a bunch of dream birth exercises to just try to imagine the birth and however it happens is how it's supposed to happen. And I was like talking to the baby constantly and being like, and really the dialogue that I had with her was like, I trust you however you need to get born. Like If you need to be born in a hospital, If you need to be born by a cesarean, like I am not going to hold that against you. And also I really want this experience.

Alaska (38m 11s):

The experience I want is for you to be born in this living room into my arms and have nobody mess with us in the early postpartum and just like cuddling with our dogs and just stay here. That's what I want. That's the experience I want for us. That's the world I want you to be born into. And If you can meet me where I'm at, then you have to start labor. You know what I mean? And so It was like this I'm accepting, but also this is why I want what I want. And so every day that was just a game, was trying to distract myself and try to do things to go into labor. And then with Joe, we had always said, oh we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. And then sure enough, here I am at 42 weeks and Joe was in hospitals for a long time, she's newer to home birth and I knew that going into it that would impact her risk threshold. And so when we got to 42, I think we both were, you know, freaking out a little bit.

Alaska (38m 56s):

And so I was going in for regular n MSTs. We had agreed on that. And I also agreed to do cervical sweeps because for me I was like, why not? So I don't know if this is, can I talk about my exams? Is that too? Sure, yeah. Okay, yeah. Yeah. So I went in for my first cervical sweep at I think 42 or maybe right before. And so I was 70% effaced minus two and one to two centimeters dilated. And it literally didn't even hurt, the sweep was like, meh, not a big deal. And then I think I did two or three of them. We were like, okay, let's just repeat one's work. We were starting to talk about like castor oil and stuff like that. I really felt strongly that I didn't want to do casserole because my mom had done it with my brother, the one that was 44 weeks And he had meconium and like it just, and also I've seen people really have a hard time with dehydration and diarrhea and stuff with that and vomiting

Alaska (39m 40s):

I was just like, I just really wanna not go that route if I can avoid it. So we were like, let's try some cervical sweeps and see if it gets anything going. Did nothing. We did I think two or three of them, nothing doing. But I did feel really great about knowing that I was really well faced and that the baby was super low. That gave me encouragement. I was like, okay, like when I do go into labor, my body's pretty ready for this. So that felt all of the many tinctures and things and teas and the dates that I never wanna look at again. Those were all doing something and it was only a matter of time. And then we met the birth photographer and that felt really good. It felt like that was like the last little piece that clicked in that I really wanted to have a birth photographer but hadn't worked out.

Alaska (40m 21s):

So then we had that. And then when my actual birth started, it's weird because I don't really count this night in my labor and I don't know why I don't. But basically It was like a Friday night. I think I was 42 and three, maybe 42 and four. I think it was the night that we met the photographer. But by the way, it was a Friday night, I remember that. And I just started having some contractions and they were pretty intense. Like they weren't consistent necessarily. I think at one point they started to be consistent, but I basically told Casey my husband to go to sleep and I was just managing them and they felt really tolerable. They definitely were bigger than I thought. I think I was someone who having a really high pain tolerance and having a lot of hobbies that, I dunno what that's about, having hobbies that involve a little bit of a higher threshold for recreational pain.

Alaska (41m 5s):

Like trape and jiu jitsu and rollerskating where you fall down all the time. I was like, I'm a tough gal. I've seen a lot of people give birth. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be the hardest thing I've ever done without this. And then I remember starting to have contractions and I was like, oh no, this is wild. But I was still doing well and I was like doing my hip, no birthing stuff. And I was, I think I used a vibrator a little bit 'cause I had seen that on Grey's Anatomy and I was dying to put that to the test. And it really did. Like for those of you out there who are curious about it, do try a vibrator in labor. It's not that it necessarily feels pleasurable, but for me it really helped with distracting. And I think it also helps to just build the hormones that support coping so that they catch up with the intensity. 'cause I think otherwise sometimes the intensity moves a little faster than the coping hormones, the endorphins and the oxytocin.

Alaska (41m 47s):

And so there's a little bit of having to meet the intensity where it's at versus like when I was using a vibrator, I was like, oh, okay, like I'm feeling myself get sleepy. I'm feeling myself getting drowsy. And then a really crazy thing happened where, and this was like maybe one in the morning, I took a shower because I was trying to cope and I stopped feeling the baby completely in a way that I had never, ever experienced. No movement, nothing. And at 42 weeks and three days, obviously knowing what I know about risk thresholds, I was freaking out and I was trying to keep calm. And I got out, I did all the things I would tell a client to do. I drank cold water, I drank juice, I tried pushing on my belly, I gave it a minute. I moved positions, I did all these things. And I, I've never ever felt her be so still.

Alaska (42m 31s):

I didn't feel my contractions completely stopped probably 'cause I was like experiencing adrenaline or whatever, no contractions. And even like really palpating, like really shoving on my stomach. She wouldn't even like flubber or kick. And I woke my husband up and I was like, we have to call Joe. And I called Joe and I was like, I don't feel the baby moving. She was at my door in 15 minutes. She was there so fast. And the whole time I was just laying there holding my husband's hand, freaking out. And I was like, this is it. I pushed it too far and now I'm gonna be that statistic. And I was losing, I've never been so scared in my life. And he was like, do I need to pack a hospital bag? And I was like, no, he's, but isn't it like an emergency if this happens? And I was like, I don't think you're understanding what I think is happening right now. I don't think you get that. It actually wouldn't be an emergency anymore. And he just looked at me and I saw him processing what was going on.

Alaska (43m 15s):

And so then Joe came, she got my daughter on the Doppler and we both were just like, we all three were just like, oh God. Oh, I mean, and it was just like I was holding my breath. I also have a doppler at my house, but I just didn't, it wasn't reliable. There had been times where I tried to use it where it didn't work and I was like, I don't wanna try to use it and not get her on the Doppler because this doppler’s broken and have it be like more of a spiral right now. So I'm just gonna sit tight and wait for Joe. That was smart. And she got her on the Doppler and we all were like, oh thank God. And then she, I ate some food. It still took a little while for her to wake up. And retrospectively I think that I was just awake at a time that I wouldn't previously have ever been awake with her to just, she must have just been in a sleep cycle or whatever. And I really appreciate how Joe was in that moment because she was just like, look, she's okay.

Alaska (43m 59s):

Her heart rate is totally normal. This is probably a sleep cycle. I cannot stay and keep you on monitoring all night. So we need to make a decision now as a team. What do we feel is safe from here? Do you feel comfortable staying home after this? And for me it was such a heavy moment but also a weird relief because I realized in that moment that I had been carrying the risk by myself because my partner trusts me explicitly. He's like, you are the Doula. You are the childbirth educator. You have done so much research and risk assessment. I absolutely trust whatever you think is right for your birth. All of the moments where I was like, we can't afford this or we might risk out or whatever, he was just like, this is always the birth that you wanted us to be at home.

Alaska (44m 42s):

And like, whatever it takes, we're gonna make this happen for you. Oh, what a great part. But then I realized that It was like with the 42 weeks thing, like I had explained it to him and Joe had given us the materials about it and like, you know, he had read the same stuff as me, but I didn't feel, I felt like I was making the decision and it felt like a lot of pressure. It's heavy thinking subconsciously. And so then when this happened, we all three together made a decision that we were gonna stay home. Mm. And that felt really good because It was like, okay, so now we're all on the same page. We all are okay with this risk level and you know what's at stake here And it's become very real and we're still gonna trust in this. And this part always makes me wanna cry 'cause It was like such an emotional moment for me. But I think that when I unpack this part of my labor, which is actually before I like consider my actual labor in my head for whatever reason, I feel like it was a really big lesson for me that like, it doesn't feel good to do what's right for you sometimes.

Alaska (45m 31s):

And I think that I just thought that trusting your gut would feel good. Mm. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like that you'd be like, oh this is what's right for me. This is right for my body and for my family. And like I trust in my body and I trust in birth. Why do I feel horrible in this moment? Why do I feel so terrified? Why do I feel so uncomfortable? Mm. Why does my container still feel stretched beyond my capacity to cope? And that was like a really big lesson for me, and I think parenthood does a lot of that too. Yeah. Right? Where it's like, doesn't it? No. Yeah. You can be doing the right thing and your kid can still be screaming in your face and you're like, this doesn't feel good right now. I know that this is what's right for us. But man, oh man, there are some other ways that this could look, that would feel better and, and that I just have carried with me in like harder parenting moments is it's just like that moment where like what you know is right for you isn't necessarily gonna be the comfortable choice.

Alaska (46m 18s):

It might feel really anti, like you might really wanna push back against it, but deep down somewhere inside I just knew that it was right for us to stay home. And so then Joe left and I tried to sleep. And what happened that was really crazy was I would be on the birth ball leaning forward on the bed and I'd be trying to sleep and I would get like a 10 or 15 or even 20 minute break. And then I would have a rip roaring contraction, like an active labor level, whoa, my God contraction. And then I would go away for eight minutes, 10 minutes, maybe 15, maybe 20, maybe 25. And this went on like the rest of the night. So I wasn't in labor, but they weren't mild when they came. So I just couldn't sleep. I was texting with some of my other midwife and birth worker friends about it because I was just like, I just, what do I do here now?

Alaska (47m 2s):

And I'm 42 and four like this weird stillbirth thing, scare happened. And I'm obviously very in my head about that. And I'm also just frazzled because I was like having, I was finally in labor, like the thing, I've been waking up every day crying, wishing what happened. And now it's gone, but it's not gone enough for me to rest. And that's actually when Rubina was like, you should either take half a unam or go and have a glass of wine at lunch. And I was like, okay, fair. Right. She was like, you need, she's like, you're gonna have this baby. You're probably gonna go into labor tonight. And she had also sent me so many resources about going past 42 weeks. Like I was on Instagram, this is where Instagram can actually be wonderful. Because I was just like on every page that was just like collages, like montages and reels of, I went past 42. I was like, yes, they're out there and just like looking at pictures of other people who had gone that far to just normalize it, right?

Alaska (47m 44s):

And so she's just like go distract yourself. And so at this point It was like 10 or 11 in the morning. And so I was like, all right, we're gonna just get outta the house 'cause I can't sleep. And the contractions were pretty spaced out. So we went to this ramen and sake bar by our house and I told Casey, I was like, okay, if the waitress comes over and I'm having a contraction, I'm gonna pretend to be on my phone and you have to just talk to them for us. And I was like, and he's like, okay. And then as soon as we got in the car to go there, I started having pretty consistent contractions. But I was very much in denial about it. 'cause I was like, all right, I'm not gonna get my hopes up again. So we like order food and we're sitting there and I'm having these really big contractions. I'm literally at the spot just being like Outside with sunglasses on at the farthest table to the court, just really trying to be low key.

Alaska  (48m 27s):

And about halfway through the meal of which I had eaten nothing, he was like, we gotta go wrapping this up. Absolutely not. Shut it down. Like get, we get all our food to go, we get in the car, we get home. And then I, in true type a personality, I'm obsessed with making this Guinness pie that I wanted to make. I was like, I just had this vision of making this Guinness pie and labor and everyone was gonna eat it after the baby was born. I'm like, I used to be a postpartum chef. I'm very food motivated. I really am always trying to feed people. I was like, I'm gonna make this Guinness pie, it's gonna be amazing. So we're like, at home I'm having these crazy big contractions and I'm sauteing meat and onions And he's like rolling out this pie crust that I made ahead of time. And I remember just having this moment where I'm leaning over onto the counter, just stirring onions and I'm looking at the stove. 'cause I had a timer set for 13 minutes or 12 minutes or whatever.

Alaska  (49m 10s):

And I had three, two minute long contractions during that 12 minutes. And then my head was like, oh, I'm in labor. This was like, oh, these are really big and intense contractions. And I'm like barely getting this Guinness pie into the oven. And I'm like, tell my husband. I'm like, if I don't get this done, you have to take it back out. And then I'm like giving him instruction, giving him instruction for this Guinness pie. And he was, And he knows me so well, he was like, absolutely turn it down to 180. We're gonna take it outta the oven then. And then later he was like, that pie, If you did not finish it was never good. I just wasn't about to bite. Would you imagine he was just faking it? Yeah. Yeah. He was like, okay, absolutely. I hear yep. And then we turn it down, then I take it out. And he was like, yep, got it was okay, so I'm gonna go over to the couch dad.

Alaska (49m 52s):

But I'm like, so in labor. And so this is like maybe two or three in the afternoon. I think we went to lunch at 12, maybe one, two or three things start to really pick up. And then I'm laboring and I was just really still in denial about it. I didn't want to call in any of my resources too soon. I didn't want the Doula there too soon. I was really scared of my labor shutting back down the way it had. I was like, it's moving along, let's just keep it moving along. And then at a certain point, I think probably around five or 6:00 PM 'cause it was, there was no early labor, like maybe early labor was the day before. But with this, It was like hit the ground running like really big, strong, intense contractions. No time to wrap my head around it while I was cooking a Guinness pie. And at one point Casey was like, I think we should call the doulas. And I was like, no, it's not time.

Alaska (50m 33s):

And then I started going, I don't know if I can do this anymore. And he said, And he, he gives me the, he worked so hard and If you need to go and get an epidural, I was like, all right, get her in here. Call. I was like, call Sarah Grace, get her in here. We need, that's when we need the Doula. I was like, no, this is not the pep talk I need right now. I don't need the, it's okay to give up. I need the like everybody feels this way or whatever. So she shows up and It was like the perfect energy that we needed because you know, I think he was very worried about me And he was really trying to hold it together. But also like birth is intense and as much as he's heard me talk about it a lot, he had never seen it before. So different. And she showed up at the perfect moment because after she showed up, I don't remember exactly when, but pretty shortly after that my water ruptured and, and I had been doing really great with coping up until that point.

Alaska  (51m 14s):

Like I was feeling, I laughed to stay in control, but I was managing, I was staying on top of him and I was doing my hypnobirthing stuff. The thing that was really working for me weirdly was just this one sound that I have never made before in my life, which was ah, and even at one point I had a contraction and I couldn't remember the sound and It was like starting to build and I was like, what's my sound? What's my sound? And they were like the ah thing. And I was like, yes, thank you. And then I just like got through the contraction. But I was panicking. It was like I need my noise. And from the outside it looked so chill and calm. Like when I watched the videos that Sarah Grace took, I'm like, wow, I look so calm. And inside I was like, this is madness. I think that I had misinterpreted the like limbic brain chillness of people in unmedicated labor as that they weren't thinking thoughts.

Alaska  (51m 56s):

I think I thought because I wasn't hearing people talk in labor. Yeah. That their internal dialogue had slowed down and not, so for me, I was in there saying all kinds of stuff into that vacuum. I was just like, this is ridiculous. Why would I ever do this? I don't wanna do one more of these. This is bonker. I was just like not having it. But on the outside It was like, If you see a recording, it's just me like gently sway in the shower, just ah. But then when my water broke, I think probably because of the fibroid, because the location of my fibroid is on the right side lower down in the back and the posterior side, something about the way it took away the cushion just clink her into a place that caused tremendous pinching, nonstop back pain. I couldn't sit down even to pee after that.

Alaska (52m 37s):

I remember trying to get off the toilet at one point and being frozen, I literally couldn't move. It was like a pinching shooting pain. In my lower back, there's in the birth pictures you can see a little red dot on my back from where I had heat packs on it so much they were like burning my skin. But I was just like, no, don't take it away. You know what I mean? Rather feel this like burning, searing like hot pain on my back then feel this like it was really a pinching, it wasn't acute. Yeah. And I do think it was her head pressing against the fibroid, probably pressing against like my coys or something. But so that was like a turning point in my labor where it no longer felt manageable. I think I also was just like in a very active place. At some point around then we told Casey to go take a nap because that was really important to me.

Alaska (53m 18s):

Having seen a lot of partners, if you're listening to this, take rest when the Doula tells you to take rest, eat food. When the Doula tells you to eat food, drink water. If we tell you to drink water, you are not being a hero. If you deny yourself your own comfort because then you're just gonna be useless when the baby's born. Yeah. I really didn't want that to happen, especially if my labor ended up being longer. And he of course was like, there's no way I can sleep right now. And I was like, go to sleep. And so Sarah Grace took over And he passed out thankfully. And you know, retrospective, he, thank God I took that nap. Like I'm so grateful for it. So we took an hour nap or something and in that time I got in the shower, did my s whatever, but I couldn't sit down again. And the back pain made it such that I couldn't rest in between contractions. So I no longer was getting a break.

Alaska  (53m 58s):

I was having searing pain in my back aside from whatever intensity of the labor. It was just like this actual pain, like muscular stinging pain. And that really started impacting my coping. And I also had my Doula brain being like, is this baby turned around? Is she okay? Is that why I'm feeling back? And Sarah Grace was like, look, you're not showing any of the other signs like short contractions or a bump on your back or any of these other things. You are not feeling gruy prematurely, none of the things that are like associated with an op baby. But If you want to try doing an inversion or you, she's the things like If you wanna do the things, we can do the things. And I just remember being like, I will die if I go upside down. Are you kidding me? And I just remember being like having a mental, like a flash of every single person that I had ever helped do positional stuff.

Alaska (54m 44s):

Being like, all these people felt like this and let me convince them to go upside down. Yeah. What, you know what I mean? I had such a, I felt like I energetically sent out like cosmic appreciation to every person I'd ever Doula. Being like, sorry about that folks. That's actually crazy that I made you do that or that I encouraged you to do that. And so I was like, alright, I'll do it. If you, if you're sure I'm not gonna die when I do this, I'll do it. But I really was like, there's no way I'm getting back up. So I did like an inversion and nothing changed. It just was like, she was just really low. And so then I remember being in the shower and Joe texted me and she was like, do you want me to come over? And I texted her back something to the effect of no exams, I don't know the exact word choice, but I just wrote back no exams. And she's, I'm actually just asking If you want me at your house.

Alaska (55m 24s):

This word on the street is that you're pretty fiercely laboring and maybe I should just be there. You know what I mean? So I was like, okay. And she's like, yeah, you're, I think you're the only person that's ever texted me back in full on active labor and also just that your message was just like, you can be here but no exams. You know? And it was also like my birth preferences was like for home, It was like no exams. This is an exact picture of how I want the lights in the birth tub and here's the exact meal that I want when I deliver. And then of course my hospital birth preferences is two pages off. But those are my like things for at home. And so then she shows up or right before she shows up, we started filling up the birth tub. 'cause I just started feeling I can't do this anymore. I was like, I want an epidural. I remember being like trying to disassociate and I couldn't get outta my brain. I was like, hey, where's that little room I go to in my head when things are intense?

Alaska (56m 5s):

And It was like that door is shut. You have to be here. And so I was like a real reckoning for me of this is so much bigger and harder than I ever could possibly have imagined. And I just don't even know how I could possibly do one more contraction. Retrospectively I was in transition, but I was like, all right, I'm gonna get in the tub and I'm gonna hope that works. And if it doesn't, like we're out. That's it. I cannot keep doing this. And, I think I was scared to get in the tub because the shower the previous night was what had caused that labor stall. And I didn't wanna get in the tub unless Joe was there because I was also worried about that heart rate thing happening again. If there was some correlation between the warm water and like slowing my labor down or not feeling the baby move. And so I was like, I'm not getting in the tub until Joe is here for sure. And I don't wanna get in the tub too early.

Alaska (56m 47s):

So then Joe shows up and I remember she showed up and I was like pretty sure I was like butt naked leaning over Casey howling like a wolf and shaking my own hips because it was the only thing that made the contractions go away. It was like basically twerking like, like when I would have a contraction I just had to shimmy my hips and it would just distract. And I think Sarah Grace was also doing counter pressure and I would just look, I just remember looking at Joan and being like, do you think it's so okay for me to get in the tub? And she's like, yeah, I think we're good. Like please do you get in the tub? Yeah. Like I think it's definitely the right time. And like props to Casey because like my one request was that he had to nail the tub. I was like, you better test every gasket. I want the tube length of the, like you cannot be that guy that doesn't test out the tub and then it doesn't work.

Alaska (57m 28s):

I need this thing perfect. And sure enough, like he even ran the hose like behind the couch that no one was stepping on it. You know what? It was the perfect temperature. Like he sprung into action about the tub and it was perfect. And I got into it and it was just like immediate relief, especially for that back pain. It really helped with it. But of course I was in transition so I was just panicking like how much longer do I have to do this? And I remember looking at Joe and just being like, how much longer is this gonna be? And she's, oh, and I had warned my Doula and Casey, I was like, if I get in the tub or it seems like the baby's gonna be delivered soon and the photographer's not there, call her. And I had a safe word which was paparazzi or no, it was Diana. I was like, if I say Diana, I want her, that means no paparazzi and she has to leave.

Alaska (58m 8s):

And they were like, okay, I'll remember that. Sure. And so then Sarah Grace was like, Hey, you're getting in the tub. Should we call the birth photographer? And I was like, yeah, okay. So she shows up right when Joe shows up. I get in the tub and I'm like, Joe, how much longer am I gonna have to do this? And she was like, you don't want an exam. You made that pretty clear. So I can't really tell you, but it really seems like you're close. All this stuff, you are gonna meet your baby soon. And then I remembered that my very dear friend Brittany Revo, who had just given birth at home about a month before me, I had said that when she was feeling pretty wild in her labor, she just reached inside to feel her baby's head. 'cause she was like, I can't give myself an exam, but I can know that if I'm able to touch the baby's head, they're very low. And I had tried to feel for my cervix in pregnancy because I was curious about maybe doing that in labor. And I never was able to even touch my cervix 'cause I was just too big and it was too far and whatever.

Alaska (58m 50s):

And so I reached inside and about like here, like at my second knuckle, I felt that little squishy brain, like how their forehead gets all squished up. I felt her head. And so that's when I was like, okay, like home stretch, I got this. I knew I was in transition. It explained why I was freaking out. The water was helping. And so then I did start to get like the natural urge to push, which like I've always described to people as that the fetal ejection reflex is like barfing out of your vagina. Just always like that really very clear description. But feeling it for myself was super different than I thought it would be. I actually really didn't like it because it felt, and everyone has such a different experience of pushing. I know, I remember Brittany being like, I love pushing and I thought I was gonna love it.

Alaska (59m 32s):

But for me it felt like I was so desperate to be done at that point. And the pressure was so enormous. I just remember thinking, I felt like I was being cracked in half like a walnut like that. That imagery of the little part with the walnut comes together just kept coming to mind for me. Hmm. And I was just like, oh, I just wanna be done. And I would push as far as I felt like I could. And then It was like the fetal ejection reflex would push a little bit further and I was always like, ah. It was like two point too much. But my body was like, get her out. And that was really intense for me. It felt a little like I was at my own body's mercy in this very weird kind of way. And so anyway, at that point I was very much channeling all this like wolf energy that my whole pregnancy, there was like one shirt that fit me that was this crazy wolf shirt. And I had this wolf ring and I'd been listening to Hey Mama Wolf from Devendra Banhart.

Alaska (1h 0m 16s):

And so I put that on and I was like, how literally howling. And that's how I, you know, embodied my like pushing spirit was like, I felt like it really helped me to feel like a wild animal because I was like, oh, a wild animal knows how to do this. So I was repeating, I'm a beast. I'm a beast. That was like my mantra. And then Casey would be like, you're a beast. And I was like, I'm a beast. I'm a beast. And I would just howl this baby out. And then, I was on hands and knees and I was on my side a little bit and whatever and I was like in the water the whole time. And then I remember just legitimately thinking I was dying, I was like, oh, I'm dying. This is the end. And then I'll just be done doing this anymore. So that's fine because I won't have to do it anymore. Like I was that desperate. Like I was really just, I just wanna be done. It was so much harder than I thought it would be towards the end.

Alaska (1h 0m 58s):

And then, and I always told myself that just the head comes out and then the baby slides out and I told Casey that like a million times, like the head comes out, the baby slides out, you just have to push the head out. And so finally after all this, I'm starting to crown, she's starting to come out. And I felt this intense pressure towards the top of my like vagina. Like basically by my clitoris. And I was really scared I was, it just felt like it was too much pressure like upwards and that it was gonna just explode. Arguably my favorite part. And so I was like, Joe, help me. And she was like, do you want, do you want me to help you? And I was like, yes. And so she just, I don't know what she did, but she just grabbed her head and angled it down and it immediately felt so much better. It felt like she had been coming straight up instead of like downwards where there's like more flexibility. And so after she did that, the head was able to come out better.

Alaska (1h 1m 39s):

So it was also very funny that I was like, no exams. And then at the end I was begging for help with different things. 'cause then the next thing that happened was so her head came out and she just didn't come out. And we all know like the birth pauses, whatever, but I'm in the tub at this point so we can't really see what's going on. And I just remember, I think it was maybe two or three years that she was in there. I was like, it has been centuries with her head out, what is happening? I was just like, get her out, help me. And Joe was like, do you want me to help you? And I was like, yes, because, and even Casey's looking at me like he's not saying anything but he's, I thought you said the head was gonna come out and then she was just gonna come out and we talked about it later and basically she was like, yeah, right around when you were asking me to help you, I was starting to think you were having shoulder, shoulder dystocia because she was turtling a little bit.

Alaska (1h 2m 21s):

So her head was like coming forward and backwards and she's, I reached in to try and help her and I felt her pop her shoulder under. So it was actually an extraordinarily long time. And we do have a little bit of video from it and stuff. I'm like, okay. So it wasn't just like being a total wist, like it was actually, yeah, a phenomenally long time to have just her head chilling on the outside. And then she came out and she went straight to my chest and she just like, I think, I don't even know that she really cried that loud, but she had good tone. She was fine. And I, I looked at her and I just remember saying Welcome home. Because it just felt like I had known her my whole life. Like I just felt, It was like, whoa, like this is that feeling that I've always wondered what it would be like. And it's like, you are a part of me, but you're also your own person and you're that person I've been talking to.

Alaska (1h 3m 4s):

And it was just like all there and I just held her and it was just, It was like everything was gone the second she was out. Like all of the craziness, I felt like the most exuberant, joyful. And that was part of what I had been so curious about with unmedicated birth. And what like kind of got me through it more than anything else was like, I wanna know what it's like on the other side because I have seen people have this experience of like ecstatic bliss when the baby comes out and like I as an experienced junkie, I wanna know in this lifetime what that's like. And that was what was in my head when It was like the worst moments. I was like, but on the other side. Yeah. And it was everything I had hoped for in that moment of just looking at her, we have these beautiful photos where we're just like staring at her gorgeous little face and she was the chillest baby. She never cried. People say the babies don't smile until five weeks, whatever.

Alaska (1h 3m 45s):

But also like she was so late, she was 20 days late, 19 days late or whatever. There's literally a picture of her like an hour after she's born, like holding my finger with her whole hand. And If you zoom in, like I swear she's smiling. Like my sister was like, look, she's smiling there. But so she was born, she was fine. She came to my chest. Gorgeous. We have a video of it. And we heard this like, and we were like, what is that noise? And we realized it's my dog meatball wagging his tail against the side of the tub because they like stayed away the whole birth. But like somehow within five minutes of me delivering, both my dogs just knew. And they came over to the birth tub and they were just like, you know, just like waiting until we hear him wagging his tail. Yeah. It was super sweet. And so then I guess I was like, all right, should we cut the cord?

Alaska (1h 4m 26s):

It's been like, I don't know, it's been like 15 minutes. Right? And they're like, it'd been a minute and a half, like literally after being like, let's do delayed clamping. I was like, it's about time to cut that cord. Let's get, let's wrap this up, ready to get outta here. And they're like, it's spend less than two minutes like you just gave birth. But because of my risk for postpartum hemorrhage, I remember she was on me and I looked at Joe and I was like, P Pitocin. And she was like, let's do it. So she gave me that shot right away and I got out of the tub maybe sooner than I possibly would have, but I was eager to get out because the cord was bothering me the way that It was just like floating around. And I just was like, let's just be on the safe side. And also we were a little worried about the placenta delivery because of the fibroid and stuff. I was like, let's just, you know, it makes sense. Let's get out of the tub. And so we got outta the tub and we got on the bed and, and everything was fine with that. And I think I remember like multiple times in my labor Yeah.

Alaska (1h 5m 9s):

Thinking that I was yelling, I'm being torn asunder. And Everett, I think you said that maybe once, but I thought I was just saying it a bunch because it was also such an archaic like renaissance era phrase, which I'm being torn asunder. And also at one point, like right before delivery, I remember I was in my zen space and I just heard Joe and Casey whispering about trash bags like in between contractions. They were like, yeah so I think we need just like a trash bag. Like what kind of a big black. And I was like, no, talking like I just like, like I couldn't speak at a normal volume. I had to like bring it up depth. Yeah. I was like, be quiet. And then I thought I had been yelling at everyone. Everyone was like, you were apologizing a bunch when you were like not talk, you were like not being rude to any of us.

Alaska (1h 5m 50s):

But I like thought that it

Lisa (1h 5m 51s):

Was all in your head. Yeah.

Alaska (1h 5m 52s):

Yeah. So It was like, oh I'm so sorry for yelling all that stuff. Everyone's like, you're good. Like none of that happened. And then I remember Joe examining me and she was like, okay, you're good. I don't think I need to do any stitches or whatever. I was like, check again. And she's like, what? And I was so convinced that I was going to need stitches because of how crazy it felt. She's like, I am a midwife. And I did check but okay. Yep. Nope. Checked again. You're good. Wow. That is crazy that I can feel like that and it's just not, it's just fine. You know what I mean? I just remember being absolutely flabbergasted. I was like, that just seems unreal. And

Lisa (1h 6m 22s):

So are you telling me that as late as you had your baby, you didn't need any stitches?

Alaska (1h 6m 28s):

No I didn't. I had one little, I had a tiny little skid mark and actually the area towards the top where I had felt the pressure, It was like a tiny little, I really do believe that if she wouldn't have readjusted her the pressure there was too much. Yeah. So I was super grateful that she had made that adjustment for me. 'cause I instantly felt the relief of her moving down towards my perineum. Mm. But yeah, no, I was basically intact. I didn't have any stitches or anything, which was amazing. I felt so grateful. And then she was seven pounds, seven ounces. She was like, wow. Perfect. Yeah. Yeah. So she was, the exact weight was for

Lisa: (1h 6m 54s):

That weight. Weight.

Alaska (1h 6m 55s):

Wow. Yeah. She was the exact right weight for herself. Like she was totally normal. She totally cooked. Yeah. She was just like needed her own timing. She did not wanna be a Taurus. I did still put her in her Taurus onesie, but she was a full-blown Gemini and love water to this day still. And whenever I did my dream earth meditation, she's always, when you like imagine being with a baby, she always was like wanting me to take her to water. And I'm very weird about water. I'm a quadruple fire. Like I'm a quadruple areas with a Capricorn moon. So I'm very fire centric and I, and my imaginations was always like, maybe we could go sit by this different thing and she's no water. I wanna be in the water, on the water. And that very much is still her personality. Which is part of why I do think that the dream bird stuff is really cool because I'm extremely woowoo and also very much an analytic disbeliever.

Alaska (1h 7m 36s):

And so anytime something happens be like, we'll see if that's actually me communicating with my baby. And there were definitely things where later I was like, oh, those things that were like conversations I had with you in the womb, they did play out to be part of how you are and your personality now and how you like, the way I would imagine her liking to lay on me is how she now likes to be held and stuff like that. Of course. So it was pretty cool. And so then Sarah Grace, true to my birth preferences, made me my victory meal, which was an entire box of mac and cheese with garlic powder, black pepper and hot sauce. Like an entire package of fish, fish sticks and a malted pineapple vanilla milkshake. And to this day it is the best meal I've ever eaten in my life. Yeah. I was really into malted pineapple, vanilla milkshakes. It was like a weird thing.

Lisa (1h 8m 15s):

I have not heard of that combination. Interesting. I love So it was

Alaska  (1h 8m 18s):

So good. It was so good. And she like made, yeah, she made this whole feast for me and I had forgotten that I had literally put in my birth preferences. This is exactly how to make this meal. Love it. Here's all of It was like on the counter too. I was like this much malt, this the, the pineapples in the freezer or whatever. And she brought me this feast and I ate like a family of four. Like I ate the entire thing. It was like the best meal I'd ever eaten. I love it with Goldie on me. I love

Lisa (1h 8m 37s):

And I love that you call it a victory meal. That's fantastic.

Alaska  (1h 8m 40s):

Yes. Oh no, I tell all my friends like think about your victory meal. Yeah. And I just scarfed it. Nobody ate the Guinness pie. I think we didn't even end up finishing it. We ate it for a couple days, but it did get cooked. In fact. Yes, it got a little burnt too actually, but it was finished. It was completed and yeah and, and then actually Sarah Grace later, like a couple weeks later, she was like, I just wanted to let you know that that mac and cheese looked so good, but I didn't want to take any of yours, but I have since been making mac and cheese your way for the past month nonstop. And I'm like, it's so good.

Lisa (1h 9m 5s):

It sounds delicious.

Alaska (1h 9m 6s):

Yeah. And so then everything was fine with my postpartum bleeding. It was very well managed. There weren't any issues with it. Thank God I was super grateful for that and, and Joe was just so wonderful about bringing just like a very calm energy. There was never any feeling of like I, after I had came to from the birth, I looked and saw that she was very much set up with IVs and stuff like that for if there was a postpartum hemorrhage. But like none of it in the moment. Like I was never aware of any prep around it or any stress around it. And that was really comforting to me that she was able to navigate that like that. And we joke now about how we both pushed our comfort zones. I was like, so now you've had someone who went to 42 and five and she's like, yep. Like that happened. I don't know if I'll be doing that one again, but Yep. We pushed our comfort zones together and Goldie was perfect and she was very cool about the postpartum exam stuff with Goldie.

Alaska (1h 9m 53s):

She just weighed her and we didn't do, you know, we just did like the basics. And then the next morning she came back and did, you know, the length and all of those things. And so really what I had wanted from the postpartum of being able to be left alone and be in my environment was I absolutely got that. And that was one of my big motivators for wanting a home birth. And, it absolutely paid off. Like I, I gave birth to her in the tub, moved to the couch about two hours later I moved to my bed and I stayed there for a month short of coming down to go to, I think we went into the backyard a couple times. We took her to Flower of Life for Cairo. That was our first family outing. It was like, Hey, I'm back, but with the baby and not just trying to get one out. So yeah, that part was really cool getting to have just this very chill postpartum space.

Alaska (1h 10m 34s):

And I do think that Goldie is like the absolute chillest baby and partially because she's never not been safe. And that's not to say that a hospital doesn't feel safe or anything, but I just think that for her being able to have that experience of being born into really loving space where there was never any feeling of fear or alarm or anyone treating her like she wasn't a human being. You can just tell in the way that she moves in the world, even as a baby and a toddler, that she just feels utterly safe. And that was really cool for me to get to experience as a parent to give her this thing I really wanted to give her. And I had this birth necklace that was like the beads from my baby shower that I had in labor in and Casey just like after the birth, just put it on and just wore it for a month straight. Like without speaking about it, he just put it on. And then he, we've had a couple conversations since then where he was just like, you know, I just wanna thank you for how much you had this vision of what our family needed for our birth.

Alaska (1h 11m 21s):

Because like I was like with you on it, but I didn't know how important it was. And he's like, now I think it actually set us up so well for like parenthood and for you know, for her. He's like, he just thanked me for having had that intuition for us and fighting for it. And you know, I of course was very grateful that he was able to stand by me on it and the moments where I like wavered and then also afterward he was like, that was crazy. I had no idea what we were signing ourselves on for. He was like you because I had told him about the wild animal look that pregnant people get or laboring people get when you like you're like in transition and you look at 'em in the eyes and it's this, you're like locked into this like primal list, you know thing. And he was like, when you were pushing her out, I remember you looking at me and I was like, I remember looking at you and feeling myself looking like that and thinking, oh this is that look, I'm the one making the look.

Alaska  (1h 12m 7s):

And I saw in his eyes staring back at me that we had that moment. He was like, yeah that was wild. Because I've never heard someone make noises like that before. It was crazy. But also I think it was really, I think he found it to be very powerful to see how raw and just what a challenge birth is. It's just such an experience you have to really go there. Yeah, that was my birth.

Lisa (1h 12m 28s):

I love that Casey had awareness and just observed how valuable that was for your family.

Alaska  (1h 12m 40s):

Yeah and I told him before the birth, I was like, I need you to keep it together and if you're afraid, tell the Doula, don't tell me I need you to be my rock and just play it. Cool. And he did. There was an entire extended period of time where I was just hanging off of his arms for like an hour while I was pushing and there's all these pictures of me just death gripping him, just going like, And he was just like, okay, holding on. And he is super strong so it was fine. And then at one point we switched and Sarah Grace also like a champ just let me pull on her like crazy. But he really kept it together. And then afterward he was like, oh yeah, I was panicking inside. I was absolutely panicking. But he's like everyone else was seeming like this was normal. So I just was like, okay, I guess this is how babies get born. But he's like, I had no idea. And I think it also changed his respect for the work that I do and how he's able to support me when I come home for a birth now.

Alaska (1h 13m 24s):

Because I think he now realizes that even if it's a short birth, it's just so taxing to go through this emotional threshold with people. Like he gets it now, he's like, what do you want to eat? Like, you know, I love it. He like gets it. So yeah. Oh

Lisa (1h 13m 37s):

That's great. Oh wow. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. Is there anything else that you haven't gotten to share that you would like to or any final kind of words of reflection or advice, wisdom that you'd like to share with expectant parents who might be listening?

Alaska (1h 13m 57s):

Yeah, that's a good question. I think that being able to just hold the duality of all of the different parts at once is like the hardest challenge of pregnancy and parenthood. Like I said, you can hate it and love it at the same time. That's okay. You can be uncertain and certain at the same time. You know what I mean? There's so many places that you're gonna rub up against this feeling of an instinct and an intuition and everyone telling you the opposite thing or it being rational quote unquote to do the opposite thing. And so I just think being really comfortable with having duality in your life is really important And, and that thing that I said earlier that that trusting yourself isn't always gonna feel comfortable but really getting that sense of self.

Alaska (1h 14m 39s):

An exercise that I like to do and that I tell my clients to do sometimes that I found helpful in pregnancy was if I had to make a tough decision, I would lay down and ask myself a bunch of automatic yes questions. Is my name Alaska? Do I love my dogs? Like whatever. And once you feel where that yes lands in your body, then you say things that are no and, and then you just do that for however long it takes. Sometimes it'd be five minutes, sometimes it'd be like 20 minutes until you really get this strong sense of like where in your body you feel a yes and where in your body you feel a no and then you say, I am going to do X, I'm gonna do Y You say like the two sides of whatever your question is. Like I am going to transfer out to a hospital for IUGR. I am going to stay at home despite this diagnosis or whatever and feel where in your body you feel the answer.

Alaska (1h 15m 20s):

And so I think sometimes that gut instinct for me was way more clear than any mental, I could never get to a clear answer mentally with certain issues because the pros and cons were just endless and there's so much that's unknowable. But I pretty much always could get to a place where I had a really strong sense of my yes or my no intuitively. And that for me was really helpful to be able to land on that and be like, all right, I'm gonna just trust that even if the pros and cons make it seem like I should make a different decision here. And the other piece of advice that Brittany Rebo gave me, which I love, is to pick two sets of people in your life who you think are doing a great job. They are in relationships that you think are going well. They have kids that you think turned out pretty good and they seem relatively happy and, and they're parenting in a way that's similar to how you wanna parent.

Alaska (1h 16m 5s):

And just like only take advice from those people and then everyone else just be like, oh okay, but you're not one of my two people so I'll, I'll listen to it but it's in one ear out the other good one. Or like just having a narrowed scope of, okay, these people are a little bit ahead of me and maybe like a year or two and they're doing okay still the line. Yeah. Or maybe even further ahead and just taking advice from them. And that also helped to instill some of the voices. 'cause there's a lot

Lisa (1h 16m 25s):

The many voices. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. The

Alaska  (1h 16m 27s):

Many voices. I guess one last piece is a little more logistical, but the first year of parenting I think is like a real buzzkill romantically. And one of the ways that my partner and I have found it easier to reconnect is that we do a weekly meeting and we treat the parenting portion of our lives and the household management life part as if it's like a business that we're running. And so it's like on Saturdays or Sunday mornings we sit and we go through all of the logistics. So it's, hey like we need to get a baby gate. Here's some options, let's pick one together. We need to do, what are we doing about these vacation dates? Like I need to switch my work schedule, whatever. And we do all the logistics in this. Like kind of bang it out like a two hour meeting. Sometimes it's shorter. And then what that does for us is it frees us up on the weeknights or in the other times to just be with each other because what can happen and, and what we found happening was everything was a little logistical.

Alaska (1h 17m 11s):

Like we're trying to have dinner but then one of us is tapped out and the other one's trying to talk about raincoats or whatever, you know what I mean? Or like she needs new shoes or we need to, you know, pick a different sleep method or whatever. And so this has been a container for us for now. We know that there's gonna be time to talk about things. We make our list ahead of time. We also move through topics faster 'cause we both just wanna get it done. So we're like okay that's the, we're picking this staircase thing and like moving on. You know? Brilliant. So I think that can be like just logistically a really helpful resource is to pick a time of the week. Initially we were doing them daily when we liked seeing each other more and now that he's back at work and everything we do like once a week. But that can also just be a nice way to kind of container logistics of your marriage or your relationship or whatever so that you can still have time to just enjoy each other and talk about like regular life stuff and not have it become this like muddied waters of like we're just running this like enterprise of keeping a baby alive.

Alaska (1h 17m 58s):

Yeah.

Lisa (1h 17m 58s):

You know? That is so brilliant. I love that Alaska. 'cause I, what I'm thinking of is similar to something that I share with folks is that when Brian and I were expecting our first baby, someone gave us the tip to set a date quota, like per month, here's how many dates we're gonna have. And whenever you have those dates, all baby talk is off limits. Like logistical stuff, we're not talking about that stuff. This is your time to, to deepen your relationship and your connection and feel like a human being with other interests too. But I love, I actually like your approach better because it's limiting the parenting and logistical talk and really scheduling that and then all the other time is for the yeah.

Lisa (1h 18m 39s):

Like date time. So it's, I

Alaska (1h 18m 41s):

Think that's really great about it is that it helps you to not nitpick each other because I found that when you're parenting together, you actually have to make shared decisions about so many things. You don't have to when you're just a couple. We've been together for over a decade, but we also ran in our own lanes a lot more than we realize some crossover with how we manage our dogs and our household and whatever. But once you have a baby, it's like you're literally arguing over whether or not to give Tylenol for teething. Every decision is a shared decision. Yep. And you'd be surprised at how many times you're like, I don't see it that way. And so by doing the weekly meeting, it also keeps you from nagging your partner about stuff like nonstop when you're seeing it happen because you have to take responsibility for taking that thing and remembering it. And if it's actually important enough that it's worth bringing up five days later, then bring it up. Brilliant. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Alaska (1h 19m 21s):

And a lot of times you get to the day and you look at like the thing on your note and you're just like, okay, actually this one is, I don't, you don't really need to talk about this one. Yeah. Or you just freeze through. You're like, oh, I'm just gonna say put four diapers in the diaper bag. No big deal. You know? Yeah. But so it also keeps you from pen pecking each other into feeling like the only feedback from each other that you're getting about parenthood is negative. We do also try and start the meeting off with some wins, like we say, like what we see each other doing well and what we're proud of from ourselves. That's beautiful. And we try to end on a high note as well of either looking at some pictures of our family together or something like that. So that's not just critique sandwiches. Right. It's like good stuff on either end. A meat in the middle. It's

Lisa (1h 19m 54s):

So smart. Yeah, so smart. Love it. That's

Alaska (1h 19m 57s):

Worked for us.

Lisa (1h 19m 58s):

Great. Thank you so much. Brilliant. Yeah, thanks for having me. And do you wanna talk at all about the work that you do and especially before we hit record, I was pointing out that when you shared all your details preparing for the podcast, you shared a term provider alignment coaching, which I love because all of us doulas and childbirth educators, birth workers, love to help our clients be thoughtful with their choices of provider and birth team. And so just anything you'd like to share about your work, and then maybe also sharing how people can get in touch with you, which I'll also include in the show notes.

Alaska (1h 20m 34s):

Awesome. Yeah. After having been A Doula and a, a postpartum Doula and a childbirth educator and all these things, what I really started to see, and what I definitely saw in my own experience, I for sure would've had a C-section in a hospital or at least been induced, probably honestly, a scheduled C-section just for the fibroid or for the IUGR. But that provider choice is one of the biggest decisions you make. It has the biggest outcome on not just your birth, but your entire pregnancy experience and your postpartum experience. And sometimes that impacts your relationship. It impacts your chances of getting perinatal mood and anxiety disorder. And so many pieces come back to who you're choosing to work with. But what I think tends to happen is people choose someone a little too late because we don't have conversations around like the order of operations of when to hire who and what you need to educate yourself on.

Alaska (1h 21m 19s):

The coaching I do is for any time in your pregnancy. And I also am happy to talk to people who are trying to conceive. That's actually a group of people I'm very excited to start working with because I feel like that's when you have the bandwidth and the energy where you wanna be proactive, but there sometimes isn't a whole lot you can be doing. But talking with people about what their specific goals are and also if they have any, like medical, sometimes we'll have like certain things that make them a little higher risk, or if they're wanting an epidural but they're still wanting holistic care or different things like that, we can really go through and look at what are your values and how do we find someone that shares those same values? Because you're not gonna change how someone practices medicine, right? So you need to be in alignment with them about the baseline of how they're looking at birth. Are they looking at it as a pathological event or a physiological event?

Alaska (1h 21m 60s):

If I do that coaching, it's based on an hourly rate. If I end up working with people for birth, then I just deduct that from my fee because I think that it's a large part of what doulas do anyways, is we help people to find providers that they are in alignment with. And then I also, in addition to being a birth doula in a childbirth educator, I've recently braved crossing over into TikTok, so you can find me on there. I try to keep it pretty real and funny. Yeah,

Lisa (1h 22m 22s):

I've enjoyed this. You

Alaska (1h 22m 23s):

Know, I think that like birth education can be really stuffy sometimes. And I try to bring, like I did improv comedy and stuff like that for a long time. And I try to bring just like a realness to it, where birth can be this very clinical thing, it can be this very psychedelic thing, and it can also just be like a part of life that's folded into a lot of different things from like humor to ritual to whatever. And so I try to bring all that into the way that I approach the work that I do is specifically education and also a big inclusivity focus because I myself am queer. I joke that I'm an invisible queer because I ended up married in a heterosexual relationship, but creating spaces that are safe for everyone is really important to me. And so that's my passion now. Not more so than being at births, but it's just, you can only be at so many births, especially with a toddler.

Alaska  (1h 23m 4s):

And while I do still attend births with people and I love them, I really love being able to teach people so that they can take that information and they can go out and make decisions that have a bit of a wider reach than me standing in the room with you. And ultimately, parenting is coming into your own about making the right decisions for yourself. And birth is a place to try that out, right? To really figure out how we navigate these difficult choices and decisions. And I think education is the piece that puts people in a position to make shared decisions with their providers. I'm on Instagram and TikTok sometimes and always happy to have conversations with people about anything related to birth. Sometimes unwillingly at parties. Casey always comes over and be like, is she talking about placentas? And I'm like, in the middle of describing placenta, I'm like, dang, this caught again.

Alaska (1h 23m 46s):

I sure am. Yeah,

Lisa (1h 23m 47s):

That's great. Do you wanna, did you say your handle in your website?

Alaska (1h 23m 51s):

Okay, so my handle is at corion birth, so it's C-H-O-R-I-O-N-B-I-R-T-H, and that's on Instagram as well as on TikTok. The Chorion is the, there's two layers in the placenta. And so the idea is that the chorion layer nurtures and protects the inner layer. And so it's this holistic concept that like all, all systems need two levels of support. So in your regular life, it's like family and community make up that outer layer. And in birth it's like the people that are having a baby. And then the outer layer is doulas, lactation providers, your medical team. Those are all that ryon layer and that's supposed to nurture and protect whoever's on the inside bubble. So that's the

Lisa (1h 24m 30s):

Concept of it. I love it. I love it. Yeah, that's great. And I will be sure to link to all of that in the show notes as well. Thank you again, Alaska. This has been brilliant. I've loved every detail and I just, I love, I loved a lot of your really deep reflections on the journey. It

Alaska (1h 24m 47s):

Definitely, it's definitely served to be the experience. It might've been a harder experience than I wanted, but it definitely served in terms of being a very crazy life experience for me.

Lisa (1h 24m 55s):

Yeah. All right. Thanks Alaska. Great seeing you. Thanks again. You too. Okay,

Alaska (1h 24m 58s):

Bye Bye.

Lisa (1h 25m 1s):

Alaska's sharing about dream birth imagery was serendipitous timing because just last week, our Doula collective hosted a dream birth workshop with Claudia Raycon. So now that I've learned about and experience this modality, I wanted to explain a little bit more about this technique. For any listeners who aren't familiar with it, dream birth is a visualization technique that can be very powerful to use in pregnancy and labor. The visualizations are short, poetic, often surreal, activate our imaginations and many say are even fun. I'll point out that such a poetic approach gets us out of the logical brain or the neocortex and more into the creative and primal brain with slower, more relaxed brainwaves.

Lisa (1h 25m 48s):

This kind of approach is one of several that can support labor starting spontaneously when the time is right and for labor to progress efficiently. Tools that we go over in birth class such as visualization, mindful breathing, meditation, a somatic technique called havening, comforting touch, and other related modalities are all extremely effective. To relax us in body, mind, and spirit, I'm gonna read a passage from Claudia and how she describes dream birth. This work is experiential, transformative, life changing, and most of all fun. The lightness of the children, including our own inner child, awakens that playfulness lets it blossom.

Lisa (1h 26m 35s):

These exercises not only facilitate the communication with souls, they wake up and vivify one's imagination, one's inner knowing. Our inner child emerges and surprises with its sense of joy and creativity. At the same time, the dream birth exercises allow the healing and growing of that which is wounded within us. The exercises combine this storytelling with what can best be described as a jolt. It is this gentle jolt that allows you to slip into the imaginal experiential mind, the dreaming, while awake mind. The jolt can be created by an image that juxtaposes reality with non-reality or by strong poetic language that catapults one out of everyday thinking and logic.

Lisa  (1h 27m 26s):

The jolt can be created by asking a question, what do you look like after breathing with a tree? Does the baby want something in the garden that is not there? It is in this state that the subconscious can be reached. And where one's subconscious knowing emerges, it is this state that allows one to communicate with a baby in the womb or with a soul that has left through pregnancy loss or one waiting to be conceived. Thanks to Claudia for sharing those insights with us. Now, here's a little bit of neuroscience for you because I love to nerd out on this. We have several different kinds of brainwaves.

Lisa  (1h 28m 7s):

I'll link to some information in the show notes on this. But the most focused and highest thinking brainwave is gamma. Beta waves are when we are alert and concentrated and are in a state of cognition. And then the three we're seeking in labor as well as for stress and anxiety management that take us down the scale toward greater and greater relaxation are the brainwaves alpha, then theta, and then delta waves. Once we get to alpha waves, we're activating the limbic system, getting out of the thinking brain and into more relaxation, creativity, and zen. When I was younger, I thought that these techniques were so woo, but it's been so enlightening over the years to learn that there is real scientific rationale and logic behind these techniques.

Lisa (1h 28m 60s):

Research has shown us that techniques such as meditation, visualization, mindful breathing, and a whole host of other tools are incredibly powerful to relax us and down regulate our brains and whole nervous systems, meaning there are holistic benefits, body, mind, and spirit. So incredibly powerful for growing a baby, birthing a baby, and parenting a little one as well. Because all of these things can be stressful as can life. In general. I love that these nervous system downregulation practices such as dream birth have such a broader lifelong benefit beyond the perinatal phase of life.

Lisa (1h 29m 42s):

If you'd like to learn more about dream birth, I'll link to Claudia's website in the show notes for today's episode over at Birth Matters show.com. Okay. Here's a sneak peek of what's up next time. And before I play it, I wanna mention that this next episode came about as a result of a blog post I wrote on being sure you're getting as accurate of a blood pressure reading as possible in pregnancy, particularly given hypertension and preeclampsia have been on the rise in the last few years. One of my past birth class students wrote me in response to that blog post with her own very personal story along these lines. So I thought it would be a great companion piece to the blog post.

Lisa (1h 30m 24s):

Now, here's your sneak peek.

Liz (1h 30m 25s):

Every time I went to a medical setting, my blood pressure was high, but at home it was completely normal. So that's when I started questioning. I was like, what is going on? A bunch of people in my family are in medicine, so I started talking with people about it. My sister's an ER doctor. My mom's a nurse, my aunt is an ob, and my sister's like, it's probably white coat hypertension. And I'd never heard of that. So I was like, oh. So my anxiety is what could potentially be causing the high blood pressure.

Lisa (1h 30m 55s):

Here's a fun affirmation I'll leave you with today. Compliments of today's guest, Alaska Shares. I am a beast, was my labor mantra that helped me feel connected to the wild primal part of myself that could trust my body's intuition and power. So if this resonates with you, I'll invite you to mindfully repeat to yourself this week. I'm a beast. We are ever grateful that you've listened all the way to the end today. Thanks for being a faithful listener to the Birth Matters podcast. Will you please take a moment to be sure you're subscribed so you don't miss out on any episodes? Thanks so much and we'll see you next time.